


For the Things You Couldn't Change

by lookninjas



Series: The Man Behind the Curtain (Ben!verse) [6]
Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-25
Updated: 2016-02-25
Packaged: 2018-05-23 02:23:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6101640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lookninjas/pseuds/lookninjas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurt knows what it feels like to not measure up, and he hates that it's Blaine's turn to struggle with it.  He hates that there's nothing he can do but listen and try to be there for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For the Things You Couldn't Change

Blaine's mother is just coming out of the house as Kurt pulls into the driveway, a floppy hat that Brittany would envy shading her face, a gardener's tool belt tied around her waist. She smiles and waves as he turns off the ignition, and Kurt has to take a deep breath to steady himself before he climbs out of the car. It's probably a little weird, but he still feels awkward around her, still thinks about the way he heard her fighting with Blaine's dad, while he and Blaine lay still and pretended to be asleep. He's not sure why, but it just seems like it upended his whole view of the Anderson family, and he doesn't know what's going on anymore.

Which wouldn't be so bad if it were just him, but he's pretty sure Blaine's struggling with it too. And he hates that. He hates seeing Blaine like that.

Still, he's not going to be rude.

"Hi, Mrs. Anderson," he says, as he walks towards the house and she walks towards him, her hand outstretched and a smile firmly in place. He wonders if she's actually faking it or if he's just too suspicious now. "Is Blaine around?"

She squeezes his hand and smiles some more and then lets him go. "Oh, he's inside. In the study. Napping, probably. You know how he is." She's still smiling, but her voice seems a little brittle, maybe. Too cheerful.

Or, again, maybe he's just being too suspicious. It's hard to really say for sure.

"Can I --" he asks, and she laughs (too shrill, too high), and steers him towards the door.

"Of course, of course," she says, giving him one last little push. "You know where it is, I'm sure. Just through the living room, on the right. And I'll be in the garden if you need anything, okay? No need to be shy. We're always glad to have you."

Kurt manages to smile back, to nod. It's not the easiest thing he's ever done, but he manages. "Of course," he says, politely. "Thank you." Then he climbs the last few steps to the door (carefully not looking back over his shoulder to see if Mrs. Anderson is watching him), and pushes his way inside.

The house is dark, at least compared to the bright June sunshine outside, and it takes Kurt a second to orient himself. He's seen Mr. Anderson's study before, of course -- Blaine gave him a full tour of the house the first time he came over, and then did it again the first time Kurt came over as his _boyfriend_ (which was a little ridiculous, but also more than a little adorable, so), so he knows where it is. But it's different, trying to find it without Blaine at his side, with the house dark and silent and still around him. It feels a little like trespassing.

Still, he gets himself oriented and marches towards the door without letting himself hesitate once. After all, he's here for Blaine, and that's where Blaine is, so that's where Kurt needs to be.

The door of the study is just a little ajar; Kurt knocks on the doorframe before he pushes his way into the room. Blaine is laying on the couch like he really _was_ napping, or at least thinking about it -- he pushes himself up on his elbows, blinking as Kurt walks into the room. "Hey," he says, smiling. It's almost his normal smile, maybe just a little bit dimmer than usual. "Sorry, did you have to let yourself in? I figured I could hear you knocking from here, but --"

"Your mom let me in," Kurt explains, hovering at the edge of the couch. Blaine has his hair ungelled today, and he's wearing an old, faded t-shirt and jeans. The overall effect is sort of startlingly young and vulnerable, a far cry from the polished and put-together boy that Kurt met on the steps of Dalton. "She was headed out to the garden, I guess."

"Ah," Blaine says, significantly. "Yeah, she's really into this whole gardening thing right now. Getting in touch with her nurturing side or... something, I don't know." It comes out bitter, probably more than Blaine meant it to, and Kurt can't quite suppress the way Blaine's tone makes him wince. "Sorry," Blaine adds, quickly. "I shouldn't have... Um. Did you want to go upstairs or something? We don't have to hang out in here, I was just --"

He doesn't make a move to leave the couch, though, and although Kurt's not totally sure what Blaine was thinking about before Kurt walked in, he's pretty sure there was a reason he needed to be in this particular room to think about it. "We can stay," he says, perching on the edge of the couch. "I mean, we _can_ stay, right? Your dad's not going to..."

"My dad doesn't care." This time, Blaine's the one who catches the slip and winces, and Kurt reaches out to pet his hair, soothingly. "I mean -- That's really not what I --"

Kurt slips off the arm of the couch onto the cushions, carefully fitting himself underneath Blaine's shoulders. Then he tugs Blaine down so his head rests comfortably in Kurt's lap. There's not even the smallest moment of tension; Blaine relaxes at once, sagging against Kurt, letting Kurt take his weight like it's the most natural thing in the world. "It's fine," Kurt murmurs, and goes back to playing with Blaine's curls. "I know what you meant."

"Okay," Blaine says, his eyes closing as Kurt continues to pet him. "But he really doesn't -- I mean, I used to hang out in here all the time." Blaine's voice is quiet and kind of dreamy -- nostalgic, maybe? Or wistful. Wistful sounds right. "And it never bothered him. I think maybe he even kind of liked it, you know. Having the company." Then Blaine sighs, and shrugs, and sinks a little further down into Kurt's lap, getting comfortable. "Anyway, he's at work -- some sort of planning thing, getting ready for Math Camp, so he won't even be home until dinner. Maybe even later."

Kurt hums, combing Blaine's hair back from his forehead. It's surprisingly soft; he likes the way it feels, the way the curls sort of wrap around his fingers. "Math Camp?" he asks, tugging on a lock of hair so he can watch it spring back into place.

Blaine cracks the smallest of smiles. "It's not actually called Math Camp," he admits. "It's this sort of... High schoolers from all over the country get to stay at the university for the summer and learn about number theory, and a lot of... I don't know. Math stuff. You have to be insanely smart to get into it. David's gone for three years straight, of course; he says it's amazing."

"You've never gone?" Kurt asks, a little surprised.

"Nah." Blaine says it nonchalantly enough, but his brow is furrowed up a little bit; Kurt wants to smooth out all the lines with his thumb. "Like I said, you have to be really, really smart to make it in, so it's not like I could really --"

"But you _are_ ," Kurt protests. "I wouldn't have made it through pre-calc at Dalton without you. You're really smart, Blaine."

Blaine musters up a half-hearted smile; it's just enough to make Kurt want to curl around him and never ever let go again. "Not smart enough," he says. "Not for this. I mean, it'd be different if it was music, or something else, but... Math's kind of my dad's thing, you know? It's not really mine."

They're quiet together for a while, Kurt's fingers steadily combing through Blaine's hair. He still doesn't totally understand why Blaine couldn't go to Math Camp, but then, Blaine doesn't totally understand why Kurt couldn't stay on the football team, since he's apparently a really good kicker. But it just wasn't... It wasn't for him. So maybe math isn't for Blaine, either.

For some reason, it gets him thinking of that first time his dad went over to Finn's house to watch a game, how it felt to watch the two of them together, easy and comfortable. Because sports were _their_ thing, something they shared. It hurt, watching them together like that; he doesn't want Blaine to have to feel like that. "Does that... Does that matter?" he asks, hesitantly. "That math isn't your thing?"

"Are you asking if it matters for me?" Blaine asks, his eyes fluttering open and fixing on Kurt's. "Or for him?"

"Either one," Kurt says. "Both, maybe."

Blaine doesn't answer right away; he bites his lip and lets his eyes settle somewhere on the ceiling, lost in thought. Kurt can't help but wonder if this was what Blaine was doing when he came in; not napping, but just... thinking. Working things through. "I don't know," Blaine says, finally. "I mean, sometimes I think..." He sighs again, and finally looks back on Kurt. "I don't know," he repeats, his voice a little softer. "I guess I used to think that it was kind of a big deal. Because he would always talk about how smart I was and how I was doing in school, like that was what mattered, and he was happy when I said I wanted to learn to play piano, but then he kept saying how music makes you better at math, so... And then I started high school, and I came out, and there was _that_ to think about too, and I tried to at least keep the math thing going, but when I got to Dalton, it was so clear that I couldn't even compete, and it was just like ... He never said anything, but I still kind of felt like he was disappointed, you know? Like it was the one thing he asked for that I should have been able to do, and I just... I couldn't be what he wanted. I just... I can't."

"Yeah," Kurt says, his own voice coming out strangely hoarse and croaky, and Blaine reaches up with one hand to cup Kurt's cheek, like he's trying to comfort Kurt even though Kurt's pretty sure that _Blaine_ is supposed to be the one getting comforted. He feels touched and guilty all at the same time, which is weird, but it doesn't stop him from leaning into Blaine's hand. As if anything ever could. "I mean... I know the feeling, I guess."

"Yeah," Blaine echoes, rubbing his thumb over Kurt's cheekbone and watching Kurt with worried eyes. "Anyway, I guess... I guess maybe some of that was my dad, but I think also some of that was me. That maybe what I _thought_ was important to him wasn't actually... And then the things he did care about were things I never thought of. Like I didn't think..." Blaine swallows hard, letting his hand fall back down to his chest, and Kurt covers it with his own. "When I went to the Sadie Hawkins dance with Tyler, my dad kept saying that he just wanted me to be careful, that he wanted me to be _safe_ , and I thought..." He laughs, nervous and awkward and maybe a little embarrassed. "I thought he was talking about sex. Like he thought that because I was going to a dance with a guy, it meant I was having sex with him or something, and I was so _mad_ at him for assuming, but... Then afterwards, I realized that wasn't it at all. I mean, he worries about that, too, I'm pretty sure. But at that time, he wasn't... I just didn't understand him." He sighs. "I still don't," he admits, so quiet that it's almost like he's talking to himself. "Not really."

Kurt has no idea what to say to that, so he doesn't say anything. He twines his fingers with Blaine's, their hands joined together over Blaine's heart, and feels the steady rise and fall of Blaine's chest as he breathes in, breathes out, breathes in again.

"But he loves me," Blaine says, his voice quiet and maybe still a little uncertain, just enough to make Kurt's own breath catch in his chest. "He _does_."

He strokes the fingers of his free hand through Blaine's hair, hoping it soothes him, hoping it helps. "Of course he does," he says, trying to sound reassuring. "How could he not? You're amazing."

Blaine laughs a little bit, eyes crinkling. He reaches up to tap Kurt on the nose. "You have to say that, Kurt. You're my boyfriend."

"I mean it, though." Kurt catches Blaine's hand and pulls it back down. "And not just... Of course _I_ think you're amazing, because you _are_ , but your dad, he..." He has to struggle for words for a second, because he knows what he wants to say; he's just not sure how to say it. "I think maybe my dad is better at talking about it than your dad is," he says, finally. "I mean, he's kind of... My dad's really direct, most of the time."

"Yeah," Blaine says, and he's still smiling just a little bit. "I mean, that's the impression I had, anyway."

"And maybe your dad isn't as direct, or as good at the talking part," Kurt continues, "but... I've seen him, how he is with you. And he does love you, Blaine. He really... He just does. Okay?"

Blaine nods, dragging in a shaky breath. "I just..." He closes his eyes, his hand tightening around Kurt's, and Kurt can see him fighting with it. He wishes he could help, but there's not that much he can do. So he lets Blaine hold his hand; he pets Blaine's hair, and feels him breathing, and waits for him to keep going.

"You know how I always fall asleep on stuff?" Blaine asks, finally. He doesn't wait for an answer, but it doesn't really matter. Kurt knows. Of course he does. "Like, homework, or watching a movie, or whatever. And whenever I do -- at least, when I'm here, at my house -- I always wake up in my own bed, you know, tucked in and everything, and the movie's off, and my homework's all stacked up neatly on my desk. And I know it's one of my parents, obviously, and I always kind of thought... I assumed it was my mom, you know? Because she's always been the one... She's always just been really affectionate, and my dad just sort of... He loves me, but he doesn't show it a lot. He's just kind of ... _there_." Blaine takes a deep breath and swallows hard. "But lately, I'm kind of starting to think... Like I said, my dad's always there. Always. And sometimes it feels like my mom just... Like she's really..." He swallows again, harder this time, bites his lip and closes his eyes and doesn't finish his sentence.

He doesn't need to. Kurt knows what he means. And he wants to argue that Blaine's wrong, that his mother loves him every bit as much as his dad does, but somehow, he just can't.

"Blaine," he murmurs, and Blaine takes a deep breath like he's trying to steady himself, but it comes out choked, a series of little hitching sobs that lodge under Kurt's skin like splinters. He curls up onto his side, pressing his forehead against Kurt's stomach like he's trying to hide his face, like he doesn't want Kurt to see him cry, and Kurt _hates_ this, hates that Blaine is hurting like this and that he can't do anything to fix it.

"I just... I _love_ her." It comes out so broken, and Kurt folds himself over Blaine, stroking his back and pulling him as close as he can. "I love _both_ of them. And I just... I just wish I knew that _they_ \-- I don't know what to do. I wish I knew what to _do_."

Kurt wants to tell Blaine that it's not up to him, that there's nothing he _can_ do, that it's their job to learn how to love him as he is, but somehow he's pretty sure that it wouldn't work as well on Blaine as it did on him. "I'm here, Blaine," he says, hoping that Blaine hears the echo of his father in Kurt's words, that he honestly believes that yes, he is loved. "I'm right here."

"I know," Blaine whispers, wrapping his arms tight around Kurt's waist and just holding on as he finally starts to cry, and it's kind of awkward and uncomfortable, the way they're wrapped around each other, but Kurt is fully prepared to stay this way forever if that's what it takes.

"I love you," Kurt murmurs, and clings just as fiercely to Blaine as Blaine is clinging to him. Because it's true; because he does, and if Blaine's parents can't love him like this then he feels sorry for them, because there must be something terribly wrong with them. "And I'm here. I'm right here."

Blaine says, "I know," again, the words just barely intelligible, because he's crying so hard now. "I know, I know, I just --"

The rest is lost against Kurt's stomach, but it doesn't matter. Kurt knows. He always knows.

"I'm right here," he says again, and holds on to Blaine as tightly as he can, and doesn't let go.


End file.
